Life's too short

BOY it's been an interesting few weeks. In the real world, it's been an absolutely amazing time of tours and travel and creativity and friendship. In the ever-present 'Drama of Dakotah' however, it's been an intense session of self-assessment (flagellation) instead. I know I vent here quite a bit, and this isn't exactly that. I'd really just like to write some of this wackiness out so I can see it at a measurable distance.

A few posts ago I talked about how easy it is to make myself smug. I'm great at assuming I understand exactly how this incredible magical world works--so I don't have to participate in it. Well it's that and the fact that I'm always telling myself that my mind is a timebomb. Not only that, I tell myself that I have legitimate reason to think that.

Lemme break it down for ya'!

Not sure how often I've mentioned it here, but mental illness and cancer run absolutely rampant in my family. That scares the hell out of me. As a matter of fact, it often scares me so much that I'll spend huge amounts of time worrying if I'm losing my grip. I don't know what that feels like, so how would I know? I interpret every mental bump-in-the-road as the last straw before I completely lose it. No, it's not real. Of course it's not real. Am I strange? Sure, yeah! Eccentric even (because it sounds cooler.) Is it wrong? Hell no!

I often feel so wary of being vulnerable, so afraid of my imagined personal catastrophe that I shut down completely. I get lazy. I get emotionless. I get judgmental. I get defeatist.

It's tough for me to 'be okay'. It's something I have to work pretty hard on. For so long, my mantra has been "It's not about you". I stopped trusting my own feelings. My own desires, goals, and needs.

And that's gotten me exactly nowhere. I've been treating myself like the geeky kid from high school that I'm too ashamed to admit I hang out with. In reality, he's my best friend.

I'll be taking care of myself. You do that too.

Love love love, and I mean it--
Dak

Bigger than you think

Avoid obvious penis joke inherent in title...avoid obvious penis joke inherent in title--

No no, this is simply about art and life.

Firstly, I have an odd reaction to people pointing out that I'm not easily bothered because I'm just not the type to get affronted/insulted. Half of it feels complimentary, sure. It's nice to be seen as 'that person'. At the same time it's somewhat deflating. Part of me, ironically, is insulted by the notion that it's just my nature to let stuff slide. As a matter of fact, it took an immense amount of work for me to get to this place. What appears as pure naivete is the side-effect of years of plugging away at my own massive anxiety/extreme self-doubt. It's not that I don't care what people think or say about me, it's that it's no longer become a priority of mine.

Life is a lot larger than the notions of strangers. Life is a massive, mysterious joyride that you steer with the rudders of commitment and intuition. Life is bigger than my stubbed toe or a spiffy coat. It's larger than my lack of sleep or my hunger pangs. It doesn't care about heartsickness or busy days. "That thing that one jerk said to me" doesn't even register as a blip on its radar...so why would I let it? Why would I give over my power to minutiae when I have the option not to?

In a way, this thought process has affected my career path as well. In college it was easy to become extremely self-centered, especially due to the nature of my acting program. You didn't sack up, you got cut from the major. One was all but forced to focus entirely on themselves. As I've grown and gotten involved in more productions outside of that arena, however, I've had to dispense with that self-consciousness and commit to a production rather than my own performance. It's not about me, it's about the story being told. Working on something larger than myself allows me to ignore the personal B.S. and focus on the performance as a whole. It's not about an audience thinking I'm good at what I do, it's about the experience....and it's my job to serve the whole.

Heh...serve the whole..

And now...everyone's favorite...

Bullet Points!

• If you haven't checked out this blog yet, do it. You will be floored by a storm of clever writing.
• Oh, and while I'm plugging...you ought to add this to your reading list.
• I thought I was going to be a super awesome 300-Style Spartan and leap back into my workout regimen. A day later I feel like one of those marginally less badass bubble-bath craving Spartans.
• Still working on those posts I owe you, be tee dubs. Earthbound eventually, I swear.

That's all this dude has to say for now. Be good and eat cupcakes!

Love,
Dak

Art not without ambition...

...but without the illness should attend it.


For most of my life, I've assumed that the things I want only desire a passing familiarity with me. I've used this excuse to avoid going after the life I'd really like to carve out for myself. Oh certainly I've got ambition...but typically it has little to do with improving my life in any profound way. I've mentioned this before, but it's a hell of a lot easier to throw up your hands in disappointment and declare that nothing will ever work out. It's unearned disillusionment. It's smug and it makes you seem REALLY smart.

"Wha? Oh...nah. Become a great artist? That's not for me. It's for douchebags. Besides, that's like...impossible right? Art is in infinite pursuit, so I might as well take my hat out of the ring before we start."

What the eff, right? I don't want to be that guy! Who would? I hate talking with that guy! That guy bums me out at bars! That guy is content to listen to obscure bands and judge people from his brittle ivory tower. That guy...um...is me sometimes.

But hell, as I say frequently, nobody is truly bound to their history! You're always free to doff the ties that bind you to the past and strike out on new adventures. We all do it without realizing it anyway!

My current adventures, by the by, are taking me to lovely Salmon, Idaho to perform Shakespeare, eat at the Junkyard Bistro, and laze around in a bar owned by a local parkour practicioner. If it's anything like last year, it'll also involve some very interesting/bizarre encounters with townies who may or may not want to murder and or sleep with me. Wish me luck. If I return without all of my limbs, then I've done something wrong.

Or very, very right.

Bullet Points!

• My current obsessions (in no particular order): Assassin's Creed:Brotherhood, Quicksilver by Neal Stephenson, Cameo Lover by Kimbra, RPG Maker VX, MSPA, and of course--your rockin' booty.
• It's probably time to take Salsa again. Dancing, that is... I'm not just going around pilfering jars of El Paso.
• Yeah, I've got ideas for Doo Doo Thursdays. You just wait.
• After seeing The Artist with an awesome new friend, I'm finally inspired to write that pantomime show. It's gonna happen, IT'S HAPPENING.
• Add to previous obsessions: 70's era funk bands.

That's all for now, rockstars! Love, peace, and jheri curl grease!

Yours,
Dak

On Love and Vigilance

It's been tough trying to unravel two-odd decades of 'acting a certain way' in a matter of months. Naturally, I had to forget about time limits altogether in order to maintain my sanity. It's like sanding down the surface of a record and putting entirely new grooves on it. Unlearning all the old songs has given me a lot to work on, and I didn't realize just how difficult it would be. It's been like coming home from a trip to the beach and totally forgetting about the four days of dumping sand out of uncomfortable places.

As Mad-Eye Moody would say, it's about 'Constant Vigilance'. I'm great at feeling like I'm good at something. I'm great at thinking I've got a bit of knowledge in a subject and that it's more than enough to get by. As a matter of fact, that's probably the reason it rubs me the wrong way so much when people profess expertise in a subject without proving that they really have it. There's plenty I think I know. Including people.

And at the same time, I'm continually surprised. I'm surprised at how people accept me even when they know my icky side. I'm surprised when I assume someone will react to something in a certain way and they don't. I'm surprised and how little credit I give some folks...often the ones who've shown how much they're really there for me. I flip into this "Oh well gee...you might think I'm great, but you're wrong. I don't deserve your love/appreciation/acceptance/etc"

That's utter bullshit.

My friends and family are my pillars. More than they know.

It takes me an incredibly long time to really trust most people, and it's ridiculously hard for me to love with a complete open heart.

I think that's the next thing to work on. To watch, at least. To be vigilant of.

Love you all. Seriously. I wouldn't be where or who I am without you.

Dak

P.S. Bullet Points!

• That post about Earthbound may be a while...I'm trying to find an angle. Might have to use video for that one to make all my points. You know what that means!! MY ANNUAL PLAYTHROUGH OF EARTHBOUND IS COMING UP!
• If you're wondering--yes, the pictures are almost entirely unrelated.
• I turn 27 in just under a week. Let's hope the rock star curse doesn't hit me...which would make sense, since I'm by no means a rock star.
• Doo Doo Thursdays...resurrect, or let it go?
• Also--you should probably check out this blog. It's written by a dear friend of mine whose linguistic skills are only outdone by her incredible personality. She is beyond lovely, and you'd only be doing yourself a favor by giving her work a look-see.

Bumpin' Attractives

DISCLAIMER: If you're someone who'd prefer to think of me as an asexual creature (i.e. family members, friends, etc.) I'd suggest you ignore this post entirely.

Pic unrelated, but really pretty.

So!

I've been meaning to write a post about sex and attraction for a while, but I couldn't quite figure on what angle I'd take (entendre?) At a loss, I just decided to sort of dive in (entendre!)

I'll just say right off the bat, I really enjoy gettin' it on. Now obviously what human doesn't, but I love every single aspect of it. Perhaps this has more to do with a combination of the tactile sense of everything in conjunction with really learning someone else's rhythm. Either way, I like it a lot. That said, I don't really express that. It has more to do with my assumption of others' level of comfort than my own. In fact, over the New Year, I had a recent acquaintance lean over to me and explicitly describe some fun she and her boyfriend had on the way up to town, then she paused and asked if she was sharing too much information. I politely shook my head and reassured her that it's not something I'm squeamish about, and in fact I love when good friends have great sex.

Obviously I'm one who observes what's appropriate or polite in pleasant company. It's not like I'm going to call home one night and say, "Hey ma! Okay, so I was balls-deep in this backup dancer for RZA, right?" However, I'd still like to feel more comfortable expressing this part of me--especially to those I'm interested in. I believe my worry comes from potentially scaring someone off by sharing with them how much I'm attracted to them. No, like attracted to them. It's a touchy subject anyway, and I've always been careful about respecting others' boundaries...but now it's to the point where I freeze up when I feel attraction. I assume the person I'm interested in couldn't possibly be as lascivious as I am, so I don't make a move. When I think about it...I suppose its another fear issue. Something to really be aware of.

After all...hell...there's no reason why I can't be honest about that. So if I'm attracted to you, you'll know.

To conclude, bullet points!

• Started Macbeth rehearsals! They're going AMAZINGLY. It's like...Japanese street fashion meets steampunk meets goth meets Hammer horror film meets avant-garde Beckett piece.
• I had a spectacular couple of holidays! I can't even pick a favorite part.
• My prison cell apartment has gotten much less prison cell-y as of late. I even have a BEDSPREAD! HOLY HELL!
• I hesitated to start waking up at 6 again at first, but now that I'm in the groove--it's AMAZING! The day feels ridiculously long in a fantastic way.
• The hair may inspire a Bebop outfit one day. If you're lucky.

That's all for now, lovelies! Be good!

Love,

Action Dakson

Getting to Know Me

Been a while!

So here's the sitch. Last weekend, some friends and I took a trip up to McCall Idaho to perform an adapted Hamlet that we wrote a handful of days prior. It was one of the most hectic, fun, ridiculous times I've had in a while. Essentially it proved to me how well things can still go under an immense amount of pressure. It also reinforced what I already knew about my talented friends. It also, unfortunately, reminded me of some aspects of myself that still need an incredible amount of work.

I think love and friendship are conditional.

Yes, it's still a notion I'm trying to work on/through. It's a rare instance in which I feel comfortable enough to reveal my 'true colors' to someone. Even to people that I love, or people that I'm close to. I've spent my entire life dancing around judgment--because it's been my theory that when people judge you, they aren't accepting you. I have a very difficult time with the idea that someone can like most of you, some of you, or even a tiny smidgen of you, and still be your friend. Still love you. Intellectually I know that, but it's tough to really GET it. Hell, there are plenty of friends of mine that I know I have to take with a grain of salt...but I refuse to let it go both ways. I hate what I tell myself when I'm being judged. I hate the physical reaction I get when I feel like I've wronged a friend. I hate the sick feeling and the "Jeez, well that's over. They'll never speak to me again." conclusion I jump to so frequently.

Yes, of course I know why I do that. At the same time, I've done very little with that knowledge. I've used it to hide further in my shell as opposed to looking at this method of behavior as a result of trauma. Again, it feels incredibly weak to admit this, but it's something that has been really staring me in the face lately. After McCall, I felt so anxious that I could barely sleep. At work the following day, I was a wreck. Only today do I feel like I'm beginning to examine this idea with any form of objectivity.

Cuz seriously...look...I love, respect, and accept a hell of a lot of people. It's not often that I do myself the same basic courtesy. It's just about time to be excited about who and what I am. It's about time to start accepting the fact that THIS IS NEW FOR ME.

It's also about time to wrap up this post with some bullet points.

• Please do yourself a favor and give this a read. It's just about the funniest, smartest, cleverest bit of self-reflection I have ever read.
• I'm planning a very long in-depth post about why a game from 1995 is still one of the best titles I've ever played. Here's a hint.
• I am not even CLOSE to thinking about the holidays.
• Um...this.
• Yet ANOTHER post I'm planning is all about attraction (in all forms.) Keep your pervy eyes peeled.
• Still poor? Yup. Still single? Yup. Really happy? Quite so.
  

Be well, loves!

DaBroTah

On Recovery

Since that post, I've been really trying to keep an eye on my patterns and behavior. Not in the restrictive sense, but in the "I'm not slipping back into the old ways, am I?" way. It's been strange, interesting, enlightening, and terrifying. Dealing with issues head-on has made me realize that I actually have the ability and wherewithal to do so. That's the scary part. Most of the stuff I've been terrified about has been resolved with a 20 minute phone call or a trip to the bank. To steal an analogy from Penny Arcade, it's as if there's suddenly a new law of physics...and I'm staring at all the objects falling to the earth instead of drifting into the sky.


That said, I've definitely had some relapse moments. As a matter of fact, I'd spent the better part of last week lamenting my lack of 'progress'. I didn't feel like anything had changed. I was frustrated that one blog post didn't change everything in the way that I'd fantasized it would. I didn't realize what a boon that feeling was. I'd stopped paying as much attention to myself as I was before...and I began slipping into smugness. I'd told myself "This is great! I did it! Wow...two decades of behavioral patterns reversed in a matter of weeks!" Nope. Nuh-uh. Doesn't quite work that way.

It's the fear, really. The fear started to creep its way back into my mind and I allowed it to happen. Before I knew it, I was caught up in a torrent of irrational anxiety. I'd started seeing rampant failure around every corner again. I'd started assuming the friends I was hanging out with would rather be doing something else. I was blowing every activity way out of proportion.

I stopped, took a breath, and told myself that I'm still working on it. Still working on me. I gave myself the time to work through the stuff I'm working through. I didn't just exhibit patience, which is the quality of quiet resolve, I took away the subliminal 'time limit' altogether. The moment I did that, oh man...I just got plain' ol giddy. Not only can I succeed, but I can succeed IN SPITE OF 'insurmountable' setbacks. Somehow this is still a new notion to me.

Anyhoo, things have been good! I'm co-directing my (very pretty and twice as talented) friend's one woman show right now--which has been a total blast. I love watching projects and people develop. The energy is completely contagious and I leave every rehearsal bouncing off the walls. It really makes me want to develop another one person piece. I don't know what the heck it'll be about, but I'll let my imagination take care of it.

And now, bullet points!

• Still haven't laid my hands on Skyrim, but I've been playing Skyward Sword with the aforementioned talented friend. I'm trying to figure out EXACTLY why it feels like such a throwback. It's like the love child of the NES Zelda and Wind Waker. More to come...maybe an entire post because I AM PROUD OF MY NERD-DOM.
• Seeing The Acheri this Saturday. Holy hell holy hell.
• Finally got Google music to work on my droid. Won't be needin' an(other) iPod. Sweets.
• This gal is re-teaching me how to knit! Clearly I'm in good hands.
• Oop, better go to work.

Love y'all!

Dak